I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
