I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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