I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
