apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
