I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
