It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
