i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
