Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
