dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
