I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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