Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
