he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I want is dick and wine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
