i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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