Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
