Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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