Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
