We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
