Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
