Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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