Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
