so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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