Cold hands, warm shart.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
