Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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