i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
