if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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