you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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