just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
