I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Pants are for mortals
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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