Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
