I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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