So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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