Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
