glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I checked into jail on foursquare
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
