I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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