bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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