Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
