don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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