god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
