Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
