No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
