she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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