Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
