Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
