That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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