the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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