my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
