I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
