I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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