And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
