are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
