So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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