i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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