he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
