oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
