Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
