it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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