Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
