i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
