bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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