Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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