I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
