Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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